Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Randomize
