I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
