even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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