i may or may not be watching the land before time
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
