what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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