I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
