We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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