dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
