apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
