Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
