Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
