hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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