Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
