I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
