So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
