who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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