Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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