I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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