Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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