The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
a search helicopter?!
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
