i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
