toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
