why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
