More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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