you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Houston, we have a squirter
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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