how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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