His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
