She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
