what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
