Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
