I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
where are my eyebrows?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
