the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
