Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Fuck appropriateness.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
