Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Randomize
