my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
