Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
