Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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