i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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