I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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