Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
