my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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