i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
