Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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