Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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