I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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