did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Who died my cat blue again?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
