No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
