Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
