Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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