I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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