sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
