She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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