need another drink. this is the easiest way
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
