sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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