u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
