my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
